Sharing a letter that I wrote to my MawMaw a few years ago to remind her how incredible she was and what she had shared. Was good to read it again last night to remind myself of all that she taught me, but realizing I've forgotten to take some of it to heart and to live it out. Changes are on the way...especially for my health - something I have put on the back burner for too long. Thanks for reminding me, before you left me - my sweet MawMaw. May I live out the rest of my life honoring you and these life lessons.
February 2011
My Dearest MawMaw,
This letter is long overdue but has been a
process to write. I desperately wanted
to give you something special for Valentine’s Day, something that spoke to you
from my heart and not just some trivial trinket to clutter your room. I wanted to take the time to tell you what
you have meant to me, to tell you how very much I respect you, treasure and
adore you. I wanted to give you a piece
of me to keep in your heart forever, even though I cannot be there in person to
give it to you. I’m so very sorry that I
cannot share your special day with you, but you are so very present in my thoughts
not just today, but every day.
I wanted you to know that since reaching
the age of 40, I guess I have spent a lot of time examining my life, the person
I am today, how I got to this point in my life and what I want for my
future. I guess that is typical of most
people who reach the “middle” of their life.
I have decided that I want to let go of anything and everything that has
cluttered my heart and has kept me from being all that I am meant to be. I am determined to be more than what I
currently am. I am determined to be better
regarding every facet of my life and it takes a lot of retrospect in order to
make a decision for a change, a conscious decision to take a new path…..a path
that I hope will bring contentment, fulfillment and a desire to make an imprint
on all whose lives I touch.
You have made such an imprint in my life
and I did not want another day to go by without acknowledging that to you. I know that life may have dealt you more than
your share of blows, but I learned strength from you. By watching how you handled adversity and
disappointment, I learned that a woman could be resilient and strong. That a woman could stand on her own and
depend on no one but herself, if needed.
From this lesson I learned two things…..people could hurt you and make
you choose to either be bitter and resentful and allow anger to beat you down
and tear you apart or you could choose to forgive and move forward….to continue
expecting the best from humanity despite the fear and disappointment. Certain challenges in your life have led you
to take both these paths at different stages in your life and I want you to
know that I was aware of your choices and how they affected you and those
around you. And from both choices – I
learned from you. I’ve learned that it
is easy to give in and give up and choose the first path, but that path almost
always leads to more deception and grief and turns the people you love the most
away from you, usually when you need them the most….to lift you up. But when you can find the strength to choose
the second of the two paths, it leads to enlightenment and redemption and personal
growth and strength…..even if it is a lot of work, causes a lot of heartache
and tears….you find you come out a better person once you have reached the
destination.
In you, I have learned that God is
incredible and is always present, even in times when I have turned away from
him and have taken the wrong path. He
has never given up on me or anyone I love, even if they don’t know it or
understand it. I know God is the captain
of my soul and always wants more for me.
Unfortunately, life lessons have to be taught and I know that it
anguishes Him when, like any lost child, I disobey and choose worldly
obstacles. But He is always here and
always brings me back into his loving embrace, forgives me and gives me the
tools to move forward and make better choices.
In you, I learned God’s grace and love.
In you, I have learned compassion and
humanity. I have learned that giving is
always better than receiving and that when you give willingly and humbly, you
are blessed two fold. I have learned
compassion for those less fortunate than myself and have learned the importance
of mentally placing myself in someone else’s shoes to know that on the days
life seems to beat me down – someone, somewhere is struggling with demons more
powerful and hurtful than mine. I’ve
learned that self-pity is a demon that destroys a person’s self love and self
worth and value and that there is no place in my life for it any longer.
In you, I have learned patience and
forgiveness. I have learned that
harboring pain inflicted intentionally or unintentionally by others, gets me no
where in this life. I have learned that
I can’t make everything all right, all the time for everyone – no matter how
bad I want to, some things are just out of my control. I have learned that I have to recognize when
things are not in my control and to lift those burdens up to God and push
forward. I have learned that if I expect
God to forgive me of my sins and transgressions, then I have to forgive those
who have hurt me. I have learned incredible
personal fortitude and resolve in surrendering past hurts and have felt the
power in that surrender, I know instantly when I have given up being hurt and
have “let it go” and have never felt such peace.
In you, I have learned to appreciate the
life I have been given, regardless of trials.
In you, I have learned that the glass is always half full, not half
empty and that it is up to me to fill it up, not to expect anyone else to
fulfill me. I have learned to look
around me and notice the beauty that surrounds me whether it be in nature, in
animals, in man-made treasures or in people.
I have learned not to be judgemental by first impressions, to leave
judgement out of the equation and base my feelings about others on who they are
and what they have done with their life.
To know that everyone has good in them and to always strive to find
it. I have also learned that on some
days, the unconditional love from a four legged creature can surpass any
devotion from a two legged human. I have
learned that everything has value and worth and holds my interest.
In you, I have learned to never stop
learning….to never stop moving….to never stop being present in my own
life. I’ve learned not to take my health
for granted and to appreciate myself more.
I’ve learned the desire to want to take better care of myself – not just
to look better, but to feel better, to be better. If I take care of myself then I can take
better care of those I love. I have
learned to give in to aging and know that I can’t stop it…..that it is okay to
work towards holding it at bay, but understanding at some point it is
coming. Therefore, there is no better
time than now to take care of my physical and emotional health. In you, I learned that grandmas should be
able to do cartwheels later in life!!!
In you, I have learned that there is no
greater reward in life than sharing a genuine smile and belly shaking laughter
with another person. I have learned the
power of a smile. When I think of you,
my face lights up. My favorite picture
of you is one that Daddy took of you visiting us here in Tennessee back in the 70’s. You have a scarf headband, your hair is
beautifully white and shiny and you are beautiful. Your eyes literally twinkle in this picture
and your entire personality comes through in your smile. It is a beautiful picture and how I always
see you in my mind when I close my eyes and think of you. When I look at it, I see pure radiance. You seem completely and wholly content –
utterly joyful and grateful. It reminds
me that I want to be all of that.
In you, I learned love. You always had a way of making me feel that
there is no one more special to you than me.
Even though I had to share you with 10 other grandchildren and countless
other relatives, your face always lit up when you saw me and it always made me
feel that I mattered to you and was loved by you. I hope my face always said the same thing
back to you. I always wanted to be
around you, your love and vibrance for life made you a life force….I didn’t
always know what it was… but I wanted whatever it was internally that made
you…you. I was consumed by your energy. You never allowed us to be bored, but you
never just sent us on our way to find busyness, you took the time to do things
for us and with us. You spent more than
just money on us, you invested your time in us.
You had a hand in molding each of us, in creating who we were and who we
would be. For that investment on your
part, I am forever grateful. In you, I
learned the value of creativity. I
learned to be brave and to attempt anything I wanted. I learned to put myself out there and to not
be afraid of misunderstanding or rejection and that my ideas and my efforts
were worthy. I learned that I was
valuable to other people.
In reality, I could go on and on because
the truth is I learned everything I needed to succeed in life…..from you. I have never held another person in the
esteem I hold for you. I know you are
not perfect and that you have made your share of mistakes and probably live
with your own regrets, but good or bad, I wanted you to know that I watched, I
learned, I was aware of you. And no one
has quite touched my life the way you have.
I am who I am today, greatly because of the love, the life lessons, the
value and the effort you poured into my life.
And how do I say thank you for all of that? How do I tell you how much I treasure having
you in my life? How do I thank God for
delivering me into your life, to be your first grandchild? I can’t ever repay you for all you have done
for me other than to try to tell you ALL that you are to me and to tell you
that I am grateful, my heart is FULL of gratitude that you are a part of me and
that I was blessed to be yours.
Whether you feel that your life was full
and happy or that you were dealt more than your share of unfairness and
heartache or maybe a mixture of both….I wanted you to know that your life
mattered. That when it is time for God
to call you home to be with those you love that have gone before you and to
wait for the rest of us that love you, that I know that you have not left this
earthly life without knowing that you made a difference in my life and in the
lives of countless other people. You are
an amazing woman and your life mattered and I will keep your life force with me
always and will always challenge myself to be a better person because of it.
I want you to know that if I have ever
caused you a minute’s worth of unhappiness or disappointment or heartache for
any bad choices I have made in my life, that I am truly sorry for ever having
hurt you. For every time that I have
been too absorbed by my own life to take the time to be a part of yours, I am
sorry. I too am only human and have made
my way the best way I could. I know that
I did not do everything gracefully or the way I should, but I can honestly say
that anything I have done to hurt another was done unintentionally and done
through humanness. I’m at a place in my
life where I want to ask everyone for forgiveness for any harm I ever caused
and to grant them the same in return and to move forward as positively as
possible.
The last 5 years have been some of my most
challenging personally and recently I made the mistake of trying to step out
and examine myself in a selfish way, thinking I was being beaten down on
purpose and that God had abandoned me and that he was allowing other forces to
give me more than my share of life’s disappointments. I found it was easy to blame others for my lot
in life and to try to focus on myself.
Strangely, I found that trying to make myself the center of my universe
made things much worse, very unbalanced and that it made me angry at everyone
for not taking my feelings, my time, my effort into great consideration. I felt taken for granted and angry. Then suddenly I realized that I can’t be my
best by being selfish and self absorbed and that whining and complaining
weren’t going to fix anything. That I
had to pull up my bootstraps and do it myself.
And in doing that, I realized that my focus had to be on everyone else
that mattered to me. So, I wanted to
take the time to ask for your grace and forgiveness and to acknowledge the
importance of your life in mine and to say thank you. To say I love you. To say that I want to be better because of
you. That even though I cannot be there
with you every day, to wrap my arms around you as often as I would like, to
share a smile and a hearty laugh or just lay next to you and feel your soothing
touch as you scratch my back…..that I do feel your presence and your soul every
day of my life and that I could not love you any more.
So, thank you for being my MawMaw. Thank you for being everything I ever needed
in my life. Thank you for being a person
that mattered. Thank you for loving me
unconditionally and for truly teaching me what that means.
I love you my MawMaw,
more than words can say, but I hope that through the words I chose to write
here, from my heart that you feel at least a piece of all that you are to
me. I am forever grateful that you were
chosen to be my grandmother. Thank you
for that life force – I know that I will feel that part of you every day of my
life.
With the utmost respect and a heart
full of gratitude….
I'll love you always, my MawMaw
